Chapter Seven

THE ANDERCHRONICLES

By Me, Ellee

[WARNING: The following story has been rated FNF*]
*Fiction NOT Fact

[ADDITIONAL WARNING: All characters are fictional in nature and aren't intended to bear any striking resemblance to actual persons living or dead, or somewhere in between]

“A Bed, A Bed, At Last—A Bed”

R
eturning from Burger King the night Andy dumped me, and then left for the night, I decided I had some decisions to make. It seems that I didn’t have enough points after all, just like I suspected. Andy didn’t care about his ‘Christmas gift.’ That was obvious. But, being an optimist I decided to make a list of pluses and minuses before making any decisions I might regret later. However, as it turned out there were more minuses than pluses. Actually, there was only one plus—he had called me by my name on three different occasions. But . . . that was enough for me. I would stay.

So, I got ready and went to bed for the night. However, by midnight I still hadn’t fallen asleep. The WOODEN bench was much too hard and cold. I longed for a real bed! I had seen four closed doors along one hallway, which I had assumed were bedrooms, but hadn’t actually been inside any of them. As I lay there on that WOODEN bench, the thought crossed my mind that Andy would never know if I slept in one of them for this one night. His note DID say that he would be gone for the whole night.

Next thing I knew, I was on my way down the hall, past the room which said, CAUTION: DO NOT ENTER! and on to the first of the four doors, where I stopped. It was dark. I reached for the door nob and twisted it to the right, slowly opening it with caution, and I admit, some guilt. Hopefully this was a bedroom. My eyes scanned the room from left to right and back again, and there in the middle of the room was a large bed. Good enough for me. It looked so comfortable and inviting that it took me no time at all to cover the distance from the door to that bed, where I quickly pulled back the covers, and hopped in!

Oh, the luxurious feel of the soft sheets as I slipped in between! I figured the thread count alone must be in the thousands. And the duvet was soft, warm and cuddly. I nestled down deep, luxuriating in the exquisite feel of it all. It was wonderful to finally be in a bed again. And this was a heavenly bed.

My eyes were heavy with much-needed sleep, and had almost closed for the last time for the night, when, as I entered that zone somewhere between being awake and slipping into sleep, I sensed someone staring at me. My eyes sprang wide open and discovered Glo, herself, glowering at me. Her portrait was hanging on the wall opposite the bed, and although she probably wasn’t really ‘glowering,’ she was STARING at me, nonetheless. I stared back for a few moments. I tried closing my eyes, but knew if I opened them she would still be there. It was then I knew—she had to go! So, . . . I did the unthinkable. I got up and took the Grande Dame down from her hook . . . And stashed her away in the closet! The last thing I saw as I closed the door was her accusing look that I still see in my mind, even now.

I knew I had to arise early and vacate the room before Andy returned the next day, because I certainly didn’t want him finding me in one of his guest bedrooms, which for some reason he didn’t want me to have in the first place. As sleep began washing over me I was thinking how shocked he WOULD be if he saw . . . . . .Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

“WHAT THE H*** ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?” boomed the loud voice, startling me awake. It was morning. I had overslept! The voice was Andy’s. And apparently this was HIS BEDROOM I had landed in!

I bolted upright, stunned as I came face to face with mad Andy. His eyes were glowing livid blue, like the churning angry blue waters just off the coast of Hell’s Island in the Hebrides. I had never seen his eyes in that mode before. They were alarming to say the least! Disbelief had overtaken him; he was panting hard, gasping for breath. And his jaw was flexing two gigantic bulges on either side of his face as he clenched his teeth. I could see he was trying to maintain some kind of restraint in this unfortunate situation, but was on the verge of exploding, which 2.5 seconds later he did.

“EVER SINCE I OPENED THAT DAMNED BOX AND FOUND YOU INSIDE, MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIVING NIGHTMARE!”

I had the feeling I was losing more points.

“THE FIRST THING YOU DID WAS TO BOND WITH MY DOG AND ALIENATE HER FROM ME. SHE WOULDN’T EVEN COME TO ME WHEN I CALLED HER. NOW SHE PREFERS YOU AND NOT ME!”

That was true. I HAD bonded with Molly right away. But it isn’t true that she prefers me over him. She still loves him.

“AND THEN THE NEXT THING I KNOW, YOU TRIED TO BURN DOWN MY KITCHEN. YOU’VE RUINED MY VIKING 8-BURNER STOVE TOP WITH THE FIRE CHEMICAL, AND MY EYES HAVEN’T BEEN THE SAME SINCE YOU SPRAYED ME WITH THAT WHITE STUFF!”

That part was true, too. The cook top finish IS pitted from those chemicals, and his eyes DO seem to be red all the time. I had wondered, though, if that was because he cried himself to sleep each night thinking I was unattainable.

“AND MY HOUSEKEEPER TOLD ME HOW RUDE YOU ARE TO HER, AND HOW YOU CALL HER, ‘Henna-Happy Harriet.’ THAT’S JUST WRONG MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE’S HAIR LIKE THAT!”

“Well,” I replied, “did Henna-Happy Harriet bother to tell you that she was rude to me first? Did she tell you her nasty little comment about ‘exchanging me?’ I’ll bet not!” But his booming continued— he hadn’t even heard me!

“AND THEN THERE WAS ALL THAT CRAP ABOUT MY BIRTHMARK! BUT, THAT’S NOT ALL. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY USING MY LAPTOP—WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!”

Well, I admit, I DO use his laptop, but that’s only because I don’t have one.

“I WANT YOU OUT OF MY PLACE, NOW —TODAY!” He continued railing, punctuating it with waving hands. “I AM PREPARED TO PAY YOU ANYTHING TO LEAVE . . . JUST GO!!!!!!! I WILL PAY THE RETURN POSTAGE TO SHIP YOU ANYWHERE AT ALL. EVEN . . .” he paused, “I’LL EVEN SEND YOU FIRST CLASS AIRMAIL!”

Boy, was he mad!!! Just then, we both heard another booming voice.

“Helloooooo, Anderson, I’m here.”

It was ‘Henna-Happy Harriet’— in person, and she was on her way to Andy’s bedroom!

“Quick, hide,” he pleaded, desperation now mounting in his voice. “I don’t want her finding you in my bed. She’ll think we were . . . ”

Just then the hair lady, herself, burst into the room, stopping rather abruptly, which was a difficult thing for her to do if you stop to consider all that kinetic energy generated by her tremendous mass being in full motion behind her. The look on her face at that moment was one of total shock and disbelief. And, as the realization of what she THOUGHT she saw set in, she folded her arms across her immense chest, bent her head slightly downward, cast her eyes upward and stated,

“Anderson!!!” The censure was unmistakable. “I THOUGHT you were more prudent than this!”

She was pointing her rigid, bony finger point-blank at me with every ounce of disdain in her soul. I felt like total scum! And, I thought, HOW, as Andy’s housekeeper, does she have the audacity to judge anything he does? At that, I jumped out of his bed, ran past him, past her, and into the hall, Molly close on my heels. Before I even made it to the living room, I once again heard Andy yelling,

“AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY MOTHER? WHERE IS MY MOM?!”

I wasn’t about to tell him I had dumped her in the closet, shutting the door right in her face. Because I was pretty sure she had never spent the night in a dark closet before. I knew that alone would be a point loss worth millions! I didn’t even want to think about it.

I really should have left at that point—while I was still ahead. But didn’t. That was Christmas Eve morning, and what I didn’t know was, things were about to get worse.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. Hardly anyone—well . . . actually, no one did, but Molly.

Bye for now
Love,
Ellee