*Fiction NOT Fact
Abeautiful day had already started long before I got up; somehow I had missed it’s beginning and was sorry I did. The Man in the Moon must have finished off the marshmallow clouds just before daybreak, because I couldn’t find even one of them as I scanned the blue, blue Anderblue sky from the tall kitchen windows. Snakes and rats, and all of that had left me bone-weary and frazzled. Really, all I wanted on that Saturday morning was to curl up on the sofa with a good book, some chocolate truffles—and Andy. Yeah, right—like that would happen—Andy, I mean. I hadn’t seen him since the morning before, when he left for work just after we fed Snarky.
When the oatmeal had reached the consistency of "wallpaper paste" as Andy calls it, I filled a large bowl and added chopped apples and cinnamon. I then placed it on the breakfast table which Harriet, bless her sweet soul, had so thoughtfully adorned with a cheerful bouquet of Peruvian lilies in a variety of vibrant colors, which she had purchased downstairs at Flowers by Flo.
I had just sat down and was pouring rich cream over the steaming hot oatmeal, when I heard Andy come into the room. As I looked up, I could see something was dreadfully wrong. He immediately sat down across from me, his eyes concerned, as he reached for my hands which he enclosed in his.
"Ellee," he said, his hands squeezing mine, "I'm sorry I have to tell you this . . ."
I could see from the agonized look on his face that this was indeed serious, even more so than I had initially thought.
"What is it Andy?"
My look of concern now matched his as I leaned in closer to hear this obviously, unsettling news. My pounding heart had caused a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach already. His eyes fell and his lips, now pressed together, had turned in on themselves as the furrow between his eyes deepened. There was a long pause before he finally took a deep breath and said,
"It’s Rhoda . . . she’s dead!"
"Rhoda? . . . RHODA? . . . You mean that . . . that . . . nameless, anonymous RAT ! The one you said we don’t know? . . . the one that doesn’t know us either?"
Oh . . . oh . . . ohhhh! I stomped my feet. I was so upset, I looked around for something to throw at Andy, but the only thing on the table were the Peruvian lilies, so I plucked a deep pink and a yellow one from the arrangement, hurling them at him with all my might. However, given the weight of the flowers, and the angle and velocity of the throw, the impact wasn’t all that significant, and all Andy did was snicker, so I added some heavy words .
"Why, Andy . . . YOU . . . YOU . . . YOU DEPLORABLY BAD, BAD RAT!!!"
But the only reaction the barrage of flowers and words brought was a serious case of Andergiggles when he burst out laughing. And when he didn’t stop, I bombarded him with more flowers, which in turn made him laugh even harder.
"Ah . . . ah . . . ahhhhh, Annnnnnnndy! How could you ! ! ! ??? You really scared me!" I chided, and then added, "How do you know she is dead?"
"Because," he laughed, "I saw the telltale lump right in the middle of Snarky."
"And just what makes you think that telltale lump was not Rodney?"
"Because . . ." his eyes began sparkling, " the boy rat would have been far too clever to get caught, of course!"
"And the girl rat wouldn’t have been?"
"That’s right."
I could see a mischievous glint in his eyes—it was ruffling my feminine feathers and I realized that’s precisely what he was trying to do. He was playing with me! And from the pleased look on his face, was enjoying it, too.
"Ohhhhhhhhh . . . you . . . you . . . you . . ."
I just had to get even with him, but I couldn’t find the right words to finish my tirade. I had already called him a deplorably bad, bad rat. But he really wasn’t a bad rat—he was an adorable RAT ! Somehow saying, ‘You adorable RAT!!!’ didn’t convey the proper reprimand, so I grabbed what was left of Harriet’s bouquet and let him have it!
"Ohhh, Ellee," he exclaimed, dodging most of the flowers, "I like it when you’re mad—the fire just dances in your eyes like hot blue flames!—sooooo appealing!"
"Oh really, now?"
"Yessssss!" he chuckled, while gathering up all the lilies scattered around him. At first I thought he was going to restore Harriet’s bouquet, but then it became evident, he was amassing ammo for an impending flower war.
"There! Take that!" he said, pelting me with a yellow lily. "And that!" He lobed another one in my direction. "And that!"
"Well! YOU take THAT!" " I responded, clobbering him on the head with the purple flower I had picked up.
Within seconds the whole thing had escalated into a full-blown flower fight, which lasted several minutes until I said,
"You know what, Andy? Now I'm absolutely certain it wasn’t Rhoda who got eaten—it was Rodney! And you want to know why I think that?"
"No," he replied, "but you’re probably going to tell me anyway."
"Well, of course I’m going to tell you! You need to be set straight! Here’s what actually happened. Rodney’s rodent male ego got in the way and blinded him to the imminent danger when he ran up to Snarky taunting, ‘Na, na, na, na, naaaaaa, na, I just DARE you to catch me! I can run faster than yooou!’ And before that rat even had a chance to set his tiny pink feet into motion, Snarky nailed him and his huge rodent ego right then and there. Whereas, on the other hand, Rhoda, being the wise rat she is, immediately hid herself from Snarky, thus saving her little rat hide."
"Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh nuh nuh, Noooooo!" he crooned, shaking his finger back and forth, "it didn’t happen that way at all! Let me set YOU straight. In all the scuffle going on in the taxi, Rhoda broke a nail. So by time we introduced her and Rodney to Snarky, she was so distraught over that nail, that when Snarky slithered up behind her, she didn’t even notice him, and he nailed her within seconds—before she ever had a chance to make an appointment with her manicurist. Wow Ellee, did I ever NAIL that one! "
He was grinning with pride, satisfied with his play on words.
"Noooooo you didn’t, Andy!" I said, my hands on my hips for emphasis.
"Yessssss, I did! You know I did. Admit it!"
"I don’t know any such thing. And the only thing I’ll admit is that your male ego is as big as Rodney’s"
"Ahhhhhhh, haaaa! . . . and what about sweet little Ellee? Outta sorts, are we? Sounds like you may have a broken nail, too. Tsk, tsk, tsk. What a shame! "
This nature of banter went on for a few more minutes until I made him sit down and eat a very huge bowl of "wallpaper paste"—with no sugar on it. When he had finished, I told him that now we were even.
After I cleaned up the table and tried to put Harriet’s arrangement back together again, Andy suggested we check in on Rodney to see how he was doing. But I suggested we check in on Rhoda to see how she was doing. So together we went to pay the remaining rat, whoever it was, a visit. However, when we opened the speakeasy door, to our astonishment, what we saw came as a shock to both of us. There lay Snarky in his pool, soaking up the warm rays of the infrared lights over head, and there, about two-thirds the way down his long body, were two telltale lumps! It seems neither of those no-name rats was wise enough, or clever enough to avoid Doing Lunch with Snarky.
However, just before we were about to close the little door, something caught my eye.
"Andy, did you see something? Look, over there, by that hibiscus plant."
"What is it? What did you see?" Andy was straining to see what I saw, as his head pushed against mine so he could see through the speakeasy opening.
"Look! There it is again!" I said, pointing to a plant whose leaves were moving about. All at once a little rat head appeared from under a leaf.
"Oh Andy, look . . . it’s Rhoda!"
"No, it’s NOT. It’s Rodney!"
And then, as if on cue, another little rat head made an appearance right next to Rhoda.
"It’s Rodney AND Rhoda!" Andy exclaimed in disbelief. And with our temples pressed so tightly together, I felt the vibrations of his voice when he continued with, "but . . . how, I mean . . . what are those two lumps in Snarky’s belly? Maybe he found something else to eat that I didn't know about."
We both stared at Snarky, who was still tanning himself under the lights. And then slowly, we turned to look at each other. However, given the tight parameters of the speakeasy opening, our noses brushed against each other as we turned our heads, but neither of us pulled back. In fact, as we lingered in very close proximity, our breaths intermingling, it became evident that we . . . well that is . . . he and me . . . urr . . . he and I . . . or . . . we—us . . . oh . . . what I’m trying to say is . . . actually . . . our lips . . . ohhhhhhh . . . BUT, at that moment in time, when so much was about to blossom, the DANG phone rang! I hate when that happens!! DANG! DANG! DANG!
When Andy began backing away, his eyes stayed with mine while his fingers brushed gently across my lips as he whispered, "Ellee." And then, he turned and went off down the hall to answer that obnoxious phone.
After that, as I turned back to close the little door, I noticed Rhoda and Rodney were sitting close together, safely tucked under some lush green leaves. I couldn’t help but notice what a cute little couple they made. I wondered if Andy and I made a cute little couple, too. Then I realized, those two rodents were not just some nameless, anonymous rats we packed out of the New York sewer—they were Rhoda and Rodney!
I didn’t see Andy the rest of the day or the evening. He had gone off somewhere—he never tells me where, or even when he is coming back. At some point he just shows up again, which he did the next evening. I was watching a video in the library when I heard the door bang shut. And then footsteps going in the direction of Snarky’s room. When I followed, I saw Andy peering through the speakeasy window. I could tell he was searching for Rhoda and Rodney. I, too, had searched for them several times that day, and each time I found them, gave a sigh of relief. After a few minutes I heard Andy’s sigh of relief when he spotted them. I knew then they were no longer just nameless rats for him either.
Early afternoon the next day, I was sitting on my bed sorting out some papers when I again heard the front door slam and then,
"ELLEE, where are you? Elleeeeeee."
"I’m in my room." I called.
When Andy appeared in the doorway, he was carrying a large, white cardboard box punched with half-inch holes in random places. He immediately came to where I was sitting and lowered himself beside me, placing the box on my lap.
"What’s this?" I questioned, as my eyes went from him to the box. Instinct told me it wasn’t a dozen red roses, or just maybe it was the box that clued me in. But whatever it was, it was moving around inside.
"Look inside," he urged, as he slipped his finger under the tab, releasing the flap.
As I helped the flap open wider, I immediately saw what was moving around inside—there were four of them—they were brown, with tiny pink feet and minuscule toenails which were now trying to claw their way to the top of the box—they were RATS!—small rats. Right away I understood the meaning of four additional rats to our menagerie, but I asked anyway,
"Annnndy," my eyes went from the rats back up to him, as I raised a knowing eyebrow, "What are these for?" My eyes gave away the fact that I knew the answer, but at the same time expected his reply anyway.
"Oh Elleeeeee . . . Snarky’s got to eat something."
"Andy . . . Snarky has two somethings in there he can eat."
"I know, I know, but . . ."
"But what?
"Oh, you know . . . don’t you, Ellee?"
"Annnnnnndy . . . "
"Come on . . . you DO know!"
"Yes, Andy," I looked straight into his eyes, "I DO
know—Snarky’s entrees now have names, right?"
"When I saw them huddled together under those Gunerra manicata leaves," he continued, "they looked so . . . well . . . cute together! He nestled up to her and she snuggled close to him, his whiskers tickling her nose. It was just too cute. I thought if they’ve avoided being eaten so far, then maybe Snarky should eat something else, like these pet store rats. So I bought four of them because they’re so small."
His eyes showed so much compassion, concern and love for those two sewer rats, I found myself thinking he must be the most adorable human being on the planet. And I also found myself wanting to tell him that. But I wasn’t sure how he’d react if I said, "Hey, Andy, you’re the most adorable human being on the planet." So I just smiled and said nothing.
Later, after introducing the "new menu," Andy and I watched as Snarky chased each store-bought rat through his luxurious tropical retreat and caught them one by one. With four in his belly now, he had no need to hunt down Rhoda and Rodney. We both heaved a sigh of relief when we saw those four telltale lumps protruding from his belly. He was one stuffed snake! He would sleep for weeks, and Rhoda and Rodney could enjoy that tropical paradise—it would be their honeymoon.
Bye for now,
Love,
Ellee
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