Chapter Twenty-eight

THE ANDERCHRONICLES

By Me, Ellee

[WARNING: The following story has been rated FNF*]
*Fiction NOT Fact

"S n a r k y"
Part II

Locked in our embrace of death, I was looking at Andy; he was looking at me. "Andy," I said, gazing into those two blue lagoons, which were really just his eyes, but looked so much like blue lagoons, I wished I could jump in and swim away from the fate that was about to be ours, "did you know that each muscle in your pet serpent’s body can exert 200 pounds of pressure per square inch?"

"Noooooo, Elleeeee, I didn’t know that. Why would I know that?"

"Well, it's true, Andy! Now, I figure my body has 356.6666 square inches. How many does yours have?"

"I dunno, Ellee. Really, I just don’t know! It’s something I never felt the need to know before. Ellee, why are we worrying about it now?"

"BECAAAAAAUSE, Andy, if my calculations are correct, and I can’t say they are—I only got a B minus in math—this pet of yours will be crushing us any time now—with a lot of pressure! It’s gonna HURT! ANDEEEEEEE! DOOOOOO SOMETHING!!"

"ELLEEEEEEE, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO????

"GET US OUTTA HERE!!!!"

Then we, or possibly just me, heard strains of heavenly music playing—you know angels, harps and all, and in that single little second, eternity seemed to stand still. The edges of our universe were blurred and somewhat misty. Andy was looking at me in a way he had never done before. It felt like he was seeing me for the first time. And then he asked,

"Are those your eyes? Is that your smile? I’ve been looking at you from there,—but I never saw you before . . . Now, I wonder how I could have been so blind. For the first time I am looking in your eyes. For the first time I’m seeing who you are. I can’t believe how much I see when you’re looking back at me. Now, I understand what love is — what love is . . . for the first time. Can this be real? Can this be true? Am I the person I was this morning, and are you the same you? It’s all so strange as it can be. All along this love was right in front of me . . . Now I understand what love is—what love is . . . for the first time. Such a long time ago I had given up on finding this emotion ever again, but you’re here with me now—yes, I found you somehow and I’ve never been so sure. And for the first time I am looking in your eyes. For the first time I am seeing who you are. I can’t believe how much I see when you are looking back at me. Now I understand what love is—what love is . . . for the first time."

Tears welled up in ours eyes, and finally spilled over and ran down our cheeks, pooling on our lips as they met in an exquisite blending of joy—yet sorrow —and of course some salt. As I opened my eyes—they had been shut during the KISS, I realized I couldn’t focus very well. Andy’s face was somewhere in the distance—I could hardly see him, and I felt as if I weren’t really there at all. Was I there? Was Andy there? Or were we here? Actually . . . I wasn’t all that sure where here was, or even where there was . . . Where were we? Were we dead already? Had we just kissed? . . . or . . . or was it all just an hallucination . . . caused by oxygen deprivation? And more importantly, could matching hyperbaric oxygen chambers restore us to life again once we were snuffed out? All these questions were terribly mixed up, and I was ohhhhhh . . . soooo confused! I looked at Andy to see if he was confused, too—he was.

And then I noticed something. I thought I saw him mouthing my name, "Ellee." Ohhhhhhh what joy and rapture filled my soul as I saw his lips forming those vowels! My name . . . and my name, alone, would be on his lips as he expired! He would take my name with him as he passed from here to there. However, when I squinted my eyes to focus better, because I certainly didn’t want to miss this last moment in my life, as he was saying my name—I mean this would be the last thing I saw as I crossed over— I clearly saw that the name on his lips was . . . was . . . MOLLY???

Death was now imminent—Snarky was about to dine. Andy and I held each other close. Well, actually Snarky held us close, but the effect was the same—we would still die in each other's arms—which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing BUT, all the same I was really hoping that somehow something would happen at the last second and save us. It was then I heard,

"Hold on, I'm coming . . ."

It was Ms. PT yelling, as she came running down the hall, but there was no clickety-click—she was still bare-footed. When she entered the door I could see she was waving something clutched securely in her hand.

"I found this in the bottom of my bag. It might help."

As she approached, I could just barely make it out, my eyes were failing rapidly. She was brandishing . . . none other than . . . yup, you guessed it . . . a large can of Aqua Net hair spray, lethal by all civilized standards! And banned from beauty shops all up and down the east coast, but most likely smuggled in from the west coast on the black market by beauty school dropouts, who, having been lured away from their studies by this lucrative, yet unscrupulous trade, were now making thousands in illegal hair spray.

How Ms. PT happened to come by this bootlegged can of hair spray was never made clear, but Andy and I will be forever grateful she did, and we certainly have no intentions, whatsoever of turning her into the Federal Trade Commission’s branch of Controlled Hair Sprays.

When she stopped in front of Snarky, she looked up at him, ready to carry out her task at hand, but all of a sudden, she looked down at her feet, and realizing she was not properly attired for this important battle, ran to the desk where she had left her spike heel Prada wonders, and quickly replaced one on each foot. Then, and only then, was Ms. PT ready to do combat with the evil, cold-blooded killer towering over her at that moment.

"Ms. Depecher," Andy managed to force out, using the last of his oxygen, "c-c-c-c could y-y-y you pleeeese hurr . . . . ?"

I, myself, was hanging limp at that point, consciousness all but gone, my head leaning against Andy’s.

Ms. PT then marched right up to Snarky, heels clicking away, her eyes having a highly flammable look about them, the defiance in them unmistakable, probably even more pronounced than at the last board meeting. She then commanded Snarky to release us immediately, or suffer the consequences, however, the look in Snarky’s eyes was certainly not one of compliance or trepidation. Snarky was most definitely not about to release his lunch for the likes of Ms. PT, OR her consequences! Ms. PT was losing grounds fast, which probably had never happened to her before, and was certainly not to her liking. No one in their right mind had ever denied Ms. PT anything—ever! But Snarky, not having a thorough understanding of this, went right on clutching his lunch with nary a thought given to such utter nonsense.

"I will give you just 10 seconds to release your prey! If, at the end of that time, you have not complied, I will have no other choice than to employ more drastic measures! IS THAT CLEAR?"

She was yelling at Snarky. Snarky appeared unimpressed with this latest and final threat. Consulting her costly watch, she waited exactly 10 seconds, and when he didn’t offer up HIS lunch to her, she announced,

"All right, SNAKE, you asked for it!"

And with that, she drew back her leg as far as it would go, anatomically, and with the force of a spring-loaded kick, she let him have it right in the gut . . . or the spleen . . . or . . . or . . . the side . . . or wherever it was—I mean . . . how do you tell on a snake?—inflicting severe pain with of the sharp triangular point of her Prada shoe! She did this again, and then again. But, although he hissed his objection to this violence, he still would not relinquish his lunch to Ms. PT. This only served to make Ms. PT even more determined than she had been initially.

"All right, YOU SLIM-BALL SNAKE, this time you’ve REALLY asked for it!"

Without further argument, she raised that nefarious can of illegal hair spray, and taking careful aim, let him have it right in his evil snake eyes!!!!!!!!!!! Snarky recoiled as the noxious cloud enveloped his head, filling his eyes with the poisonous vapor. He then gasped, and immediately fell limp, releasing his death grip on Andy and me when he crashed to the floor in an Aqua Net stupor.

Andy and I, having crashed to the floor, also, were coughing and sneezing and trying to replenish our lungs with the much-needed air—air which was then filled with the deadly fumes of Aqua Net hair spray. As soon as Andy recovered his breath, he became frantic and started giving orders,

"Ellee, grab hold of Snarky’s tail, I’ll take the head, and Ms. Depecher, you grab around his middle !! We have no time to lose! If we don’t get him back in his room before he revives we’re all just entrees. This snake is hungry and will NOT stop his pursuit until he’s eaten someone!

"Wait, wait, wait, hold on Mr. Cooper." Ms. PT put up her hands to stop everything. "Time’s up! And I’ve had quite enough of your Zoo today. This is definitely not in my job description, nor am I paid for this sort of thing. Good day!"

And with that she turned, and clickety-clicked out of Andy’s office, leaving a perfectly-tooled trail of heel impressions in the hardwood floor all the way, as she marched out the double doors.

As I watched her leave, my heart sank—we were all alone, again. Now it was really up to Andy and me to get the big, ugly beast back in his . . . room, so I said—but shouldn’t have,

"Andy, how will we ever get Godzilla back in his room?"

"Ellee !!! That’s NOT my snake’s name—it’s SNARKY!" He was miffed, I could tell.

"I KNOW THAT, Andy, but he kinda looks like Godzilla."

"He doesn’t look ANYTHING like Godzilla!"

"Yes, he does!"

"No, he doesn’t!"

"Yes, he DOES!"

"NO, ELLEE, HE DOESN’T !!!!"

"Andy, Snarky could be Godzilla’s tail !"

"GODZILLA’S TAIL???? Snarky does NOT look like Godzilla’s tail, for crying out loud, Ellee. What were you thinking??" Snarky is a SNAKE, not some stupid celluloid monster!!!

Andy was so adamant about Snarky NOT looking like Godzilla’s tail, and I could see how deeply his feelings were for his pet, so I let the whole thing drop.

The trip to Godzilla’s —no . . . wait . . . strike that—to Snarky’s room was not an easy one. It took every ounce of strength we both possessed to drag that beast through the halls, back to his room. And guess what—it turned out to be the room with the sign on the door which read, CAUTION: DO NOT ENTER—the one I had seen on my first day, and wondered about ever since. So this ‘mystery’ room was the private living quarters for Andy’s evil, cold-blooded killer PET Snake, Snarky !!!!!!!!! Who knew????

Snarky’s door was ajar, and when Andy pushed it open wide, I was totally amazed at what I saw inside—a virtual rain forest ! It was everything a snake like Snarky could desire—tropical plants growing in large pots everywhere; a waterfall splashing down Amazonian rocks piled ceiling-high in one corner; an inviting pool of clear water at the base for him to swim in; tall grasses growing all around the rocks and throughout the room. I could see the path where he probably liked to slither as he looked for something to swallow. The room was obviously temperature and humidity controlled. It felt hot and humid, and I immediately became uncomfortable in the tropical climate.

When we finally got his long, heavy body safely inside his room, we both heaved a huge sigh of relief, which proved all too soon premature, when Snarky suddenly overcame the effects of the hair spray and reared his ugly head once more. He was still hungry, and we were still on his menu. I started to run, but in one lightening-speed nano-second, he reached out and seized my arm with his powerful tail. Andy instantly moved to intervene.

"SNARKY ! NO ! . . . DOWN BOY . . . DOWN !" he yelled.

And then with the back of his hand, he smacked him across the side of the head, knocking him silly. As Snarky released his hold on me, Andy grabbed me and we fled from the room, slamming and locking the door behind us. On the other side, we breathed another, and hopefully the last sigh of relief. But Snarky began bashing the door behind us.

"What is wrong with your snake?"

"He’s starving—I forgot to feed him. I think it's been nearly a month since I tossed in something. This happened once before when I was away for several weeks. He eats a couple of rats every two to three weeks. When he doesn’t get his rats, he starts prowling for prey."

"RATS ?" I asked. "That’s what he eats?"

"Well, that and . . . other large mammals . . . like my house guests," he said wryly looking over at me. Then he smiled—a snarky smile and added, "And me . . . or anyone else he can capture, squeeze and swallow!"

We both giggled, thinking about our narrow escape. It really wasn't funny, but seemed so, now that a heavy, locked and bolted door stood between him and us. It was good to see Andy smiling one of his kind of smiles—you know the one—it starts at one side of his face, travels up and jumps over to the other side, and then his dimples pop into place, and his eyes light up. And anyone in close proximity simply HAS to smile, too, it is so infectious and endearing.

The Snarky affair was finally over. I was so exhausted I went to my room. On the way I started reviewing all that had taken place. There were so many questions that sprang into my mind. At the moment Snarky had nearly snuffed out our lives, what was Andy saying to me about seeing me for the first time? Was that real? Did it happen? Or was I just oxygen-deprived? Was I hallucinating? And did we really kiss? There was so much confusion at the time, I just wasn’t sure. Everything seemed out of focus. How would I ever know for sure? I knew I couldn’t ask Andy.

But then as I entered my room, it came to my attention that the sound system, which is ALWAYS on, was still playing Kenny Loggins. Funny, I hadn’t noticed it until that moment. Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, I had heard it. It must have been playing when . . . Slowly, reality with its cruel way of showing how things really are, began seeping into my mind, and I understood then, that there was NO KISS and it wasn’t Andy who had said those incredible things to me, about seeing me for the first time; it was Kenny.

Bye for now,
Love,
Ellee