Chapter Forty-nine

THE ANDERCHRONICLES

By Me, Ellee

[WARNING: The following story has been rated FNF*]
*Fiction NOT Fact

[ANOTHER WARNING: It's useful to have two warnings—if the first one fails, then you always have the second one to fall back on. This is the second warning: These characters just don't exist in the real world. If you think you recognize anyone at all, even one of the male characters, you probably need more Prozac.]

“Bertie’s Babies”

The big moose head dominated the whole room with its stiff, brown fur, massive antlers and large black eyes, that were now staring straight ahead through the open window opposite, yet not really seeing anything—at all. Having been freeze-dried and stripped of his hide, tanned, epoxied, molded, stuffed and coated with paints containing higher levels of VOCs than a 767 jetliner just after emerging from the paint tunnel, he certainly wasn’t at his best, particularly now that he was minus his body, and his eyes had been replaced with glass balls. He’d had a bad week. And it showed—he wasn’t smiling.

Harriet and I were in the library assessing this most recent expression of love from her newest conquest, an older gentleman she had met at the singles’ bar four weeks earlier. His name—Egbert Flitton III, a big game hunter from upstate New York. He said he absolutely lived for the big game hunt. Of this I had no doubt—he’d bagged Harriet, hadn’t he?

“So, Ms. Ellee, what do you think of Alfred?” Egbert asked with all the pride of a father showing his latest offspring to the family for the first time.

Alfred ? This big, bodyless beast has a name!

“Well,” I began, gazing up at him hanging on Andy’s library wall, and thinking he probably wouldn’t have had Andy’s approval, had Andy been there. “He certainly is . . . well . . . commanding.”

“That he is, Ms Ellee, that he definitely is!” he lilted, beaming again with gratification.

“And what do you think, Ms. Harriet, my sweet?”

He reached over and pinched her portly cheek .

“Oh Bertie, he’s simply wonderful! I adore him—almost as much as I adore you!”

She blushed a nice shade of tangerine, then reached down and pinched his portly cheek, and stroked the long tail of his lengthy moustache, which he had been curling around his index finger. The two of them giggled and then engaged in some kissy-kissy activities. It was at this point I left the big game hunter and his trophy to their mating rituals, and made a hasty exit to sort some laundry.

When I finished with my washday agenda, Molly and I went outside to play in the burgeoning spring, which by now was so busy throwing buds everywhere, it hadn’t even bothered to check when spring equinox would arrive—it wasn’t due for another week or so.

The next day we left early for our morning walk, and didn’t return until well after noon. There were just so many wonderful things to discover, and Molly didn’t want to pass up any of them. When we came back, Egbert and Harriet were there once again. When they heard me come in, they rushed to my side.

“Oh Ellee,” Harriet gushed, “has Bertie ever got a surprise for you!”

She could hardly stop herself from spilling that surprise before its time. Her eyes were doing little ricochets off the side walls, and her hands were waving enthusiastically in front of her as excitement mounted.

And Bertie showed no less enthusiasm as he exclaimed,

“Ellee, my dear, I . . . am about to bequeath . . . to you . . . something extraordinare—something you probably never thought you would be fortunate enough to own in your lifetime—something that will bring hours and hours of great pleasure and satisfaction—something which indeed gives me great pleasure just passing it on to you now.”

The suspense was killing me. I checked my ‘must have list’ and couldn’t find anything under the heading: never thought possible to own in my lifetime. What could this gentleman, whom I had only known for a month, bequeath to me? I had no idea what he was talking about, but Harriet did—she was jumping up and down just thinking about it. It really must be something extraordinary, I thought, for Harriet never jumps up and down. I didn’t even know she could. Then he said,

“Harriet, my Love, the blindfold please.”

Blindfold?

Harriet quickly produced a square piece of material, which she then folded into a triangle and tied over my eyes. Then she and Bertie led me down the hall and into a room.

“Are you ready for this, Ellee?” Bertie chirped with excitement. I could hear him rubbing his hands together, warming up for this unveiling.

“Oh yes, Mr Flitton, I’m definitely ready!”

But fifteen seconds later when Harriet untied the knot and the trifold slipped to the floor, I realized there was no amount of preparation which could have made me ready enough for what I found in front of me, hanging above my bed! There it was . . . my . . . my bequeathal . . . staring at me—with terrible eyes and vicious-looking curled sharp teeth, protruding out the side of its awesome jaw—AND it didn’t like me—it looked like it was ready to attack!

“Oh, Mr. Flitton!!” I squealed, slapping my hand over my mouth, “What in the h*** is THAT?”

“My dear, this fabulous creature is a savage wild boar,” he was more than elated to announce, beaming as if he had just given the gift of a lifetime, which of course, he had. “I shot that thing sixty miles northwest of Toronto, Canada some twenty years ago. He was a 700-pound savage boar, and he nearly had me for lunch before I plugged him with a 45-70, which took him down immediately, but which took another twenty minutes to kill him. That hunt was the best hunt of my life! This big guy is one of my babies!”

He could hardly contain the pride welling up in his chest at that moment. And then his eyes narrowed as his voice grew serious.

“Picture this Ellee:” He waved both hands in front of him, clearing the canvas for the picture he was about to paint. “It is winter, cold, snowflakes flying everywhere, cedar branches ready to crack with the weight of the snow. The gray forest is deathly silent, but HE is out there. You know it. You feel it in your soul. But you don’t see him—yet.

"Then suddenly, his fierce growl shatters the silence! You feel that rush as your pounding heart takes off and a shot of adrenaline hits your bloodstream. You raise your Marlin Guide rifle to the ready, butted securely against the well-conditioned muscle of your shoulder that’s prepared to take the recoil from your shot. Your eyes scan the bushes. Then in the flash of a split second, you finally catch first sight of him as he huffs a cloud of steam, and paws the ground angrily. That’s when you realize he has been watching you all along.

"As you send your gaze through the scope of your rifle, the magnification brings that beast up close and personal, and you witness the fury in his black eyes. It excites you! And you realize as you take carefully measured aim, that monster is now yours! This is the moment you have been waiting for, planning for, hoping for and now it’s here. The thought causes a sudden gasp of air, and at the precise moment when the cross hairs line up, you squeeze the trigger and for a second you don’t breathe—and then—THE HIT! THE BEAST DROPS! HE’S YOURS!

"Now you breathe, but the adrenaline is still pumping. Your eyes widen, and maybe, just maybe you have the look of a madman, but only for a second, because that look quickly turns to one of triumph, for now you know that this beast, which would have eaten you at his next meal, will now be your next meal! ”

Bertie's gaze was still on that monster hanging over my bed, and I could see that the video playing in his head hadn’t stopped. In fact, I was quite sure he had just rewound it to the moment when he nailed that savage beast, for all at once his eyes grew a little wild, and his finger starting jerking violently on an unseen trigger. And there were sound effects, too. But then he blinked, shutting off the tape, and he was back. He looked over at me.

I could see the absolute pride he had in this . . . this thing, just as he had for that other thing hanging in the library. These were his babies, but for me . . . well I simply had no words for his endowment, of which I was now the reluctant recipient, and I had no idea how to say nuh-nuh-nuh, not in my bedroom!

“Do you like it, Ellee?” Harriet asked with excitement and expectation.

“LIKE IT!” I exclaimed, “LIKE IT? . . . Well, of course I LIKE it!” I lied through clenched teeth, and crossed fingers—on both hands. “I mean . . . who wouldn’t?”

“PRECISELY!” Bertie chimed in. “That animal is a thing of beauty! I just knew you’d love it. I told Harriet I simply had to do something wonderful for that girl! That’s when I realized this savage wild boar’s head was just right for you!”

I turned to stare at that savage wild boar; he stared back. There was one thing of which I was absolutely certain— he was NOT wonderful, and he was not just right for me! Just then Harriet broke in and said,

“Well, Ellee if you think Heinrich is great . . .”

Heinrich? . . . Alfred? I was almost sure Andy wouldn’t love Alfred, but I was absolutely positive there would be no love whatsoever for Heinrich— and I think it was the teeth.

“ . . . Bertie has one more surprise.”

I wasn’t sure I could take one more surprise. However, the two of them led me down the hall, blindfolded once again, and after entering a room, Harriet slipped the knot, and my blindfold fell away, revealing an even bigger shock than the last two—Andy, himself, had just become the next recipient of Bertie’s unbounded generosity—there, mounted to the wall above his magnificent bed, was the gigantic head of a hulking buffalo!

Andy had a buffalo head mounted to his bedroom wall, hanging over his bed!!!

Somehow the thought of this tripped something in my mind, and suddenly I began laughing hysterically. And the more I tried to stop, the worse it became. But the thing that really sent me over the edge was when Bertie told me after a lot of careful consideration, he had decided the best name for this disembodied head was—Buffalo Bill.

—So, Alfred, Heinrich and Buffalo Bill— I couldn’t stand it. I went running from the room, Harriet and Bertie thinking I had been overcome with gratitude and emotion. But before I had gone completely out of ear range, I heard Bertie say,

“Oh Harriet, I'm soooooo happy. She really loves my babies!

Bye for now,
Love,
Ellee