Chapter Sixty-three

THE ANDERCHRONICLES

By Me, Ellee

[WARNING: The following story has been rated FNF*]
*Fiction NOT Fact

"A Wedding In Kenya"



T he morning sun was making its daily trek across my bedroom wall, and when it finally fell across my eyes, it effectively shut down my dream about a large herd of wildebeest on the Serengeti —now what had made me dream that, I wondered as I sat up, rubbing my eyes? And then as the morning fog cleared, I remembered.

When Andy and I returned from our little rendez-vous with springtime magic, late the previous afternoon, we received an excited call from Harriet saying she and Bertie wanted to see us—immediately. Within twenty minutes they were both sitting in the library, side by side, arms wrapped securely around each other with gaga smiles on their faces, giggling like giddy teenagers.

“Well, my dear boy,” Bertie began, as soon as Andy and I were seated across from them, “your Auntie Harr and I . . . you see . . . ,” they gazed like lovesick puppies at each other, and then snickered after he kissed the hollow at the base of her neck, and she squeezed the fleshy part above his kneecap, “we have decided to take—The Big Plunge—together, in Kenya next week.”

Andy and I looked at each other, simultaneously echoing, The Big Plunge.

“Yes,” Bertie quickly repeated, “ The Big Plunge. Do you know what that is?”

“OH!” I jumped right in, the light turning on instantly, “ you mean you’re getting married?”

“Well . . . yes, that’s true, Ellee. I have asked this adorable little woman to be my wife.” He looked bashfully over at Harriet, and they wrinkled flirty noses at each other in a knowing smile. “But that’s not what I meant by—The Big Plunge.”

“Ellee’s right, Bertie. The Big Plunge means getting married,” Andy chimed in.

“Not in this case, although we are getting married. You see, according to cultural tradition, the Tuhutsu tribe in Kenya believes that any man and woman wanting to get married, must first take—The Big Plunge—that is they jump off the 1000-foot Barihuti Waterfalls, together, hand-in-hand into the pool below. If they come up still holding hands, then they are meant for each other and can endure the trials of married life. If they let go on the way down or while under the water, they haven’t got what it takes to make a marriage with each other stick.”

“Harriet!” I cried, “ you’re not really considering jumping off a 1000-foot waterfall in the middle of Africa, are you?”

Harriet looked all misty eyed at Bertie and said, “I would do anything for this wonderful specimen of a man! Anything at all!” Her eyes were spinning in opposite directions at this point, she was so emotional over this wonderful specimen.

“Auntie Harr, that’s just nuts! You can’t do this! It’s dangerous!”

“Now hold on, son, I wouldn’t ask your sweet Auntie to do anything dangerous. No one has ever been killed—or even maimed taking The Big Plunge. It’s not a matter of danger; it’s a matter of GUTS!” he said, whacking her on the rump, “and this indomitable aunt of yours is one gutsy gal! That’s what I simply love about her!” He squeezed her cheek, and she tickled under his chin, and then they laughed together as they touched foreheads.

I hurriedly calculated the water displacement of a 275-pound object falling the 1000-foot drop down the Barihuti Waterfalls, and if you throw in Bertie’s weight, too, that meant they would be hitting solid rock at the bottom, once all the water was gone.

“Harriet you can’t DO this thing!”

But neither of them would listen and told us the decision was made, and they were there only to inform us of their plans, not to get our opinion. However, Bertie did ask Andy for Harriet’s hand in marriage, because he didn’t know who else to ask, since most of her close kin were dead, and if they weren't dead, they were drooling in a facility somewhere and couldn't remember who Harriet was.

Bertie went on to inform us that if all went well and they passed The Big Plunge test, they would then be married in a traditional Tuhutsu ceremony on the Serengeti, surrounded by a herd of wildebeest, at high noon—when the sun is precisely overhead and no shadows can be cast. (The Tuhutsu believe that if any shadow is cast by the bride and groom during the ceremony, there would also be shadows cast on their marriage).

They were so happy and excited about this whole wedding thing, and they were absolutely certain the Tuhutsu gods had willed their union. Bertie had spent considerable time among the Tuhutsu during his many hunting expeditions, and one night after he and the tribal chieftain had consumed a particularly large quantity of fermented foozle root, they spent the rest of the night doing some kind of traditional tribal dance. As it turned out, this dance was the very one performed when someone was looking for a wamba—(Tuhutsui for wife). Bertie said it must have worked, because he met Harriet shortly after returning to the States, and more importantly, it was love at first sight.

We talked for some time trying to dissuade them from The Big Plunge, but their minds were made up, so eventually we gave up and wished them the best.

Before leaving, however, they told us that after tying the knot—literally, (part of the ceremony included tying their ankles together with the long fibers of the karula plant using special ceremonial knots.), they would spend their honeymoon among the animals of the Serengeti—hyenas, cheetahs, Arabian Oryxes and of course, vultures, all of which they planned to shoot with their matching high-powered big game rifles, which Bertie was giving Harriet as a wedding gift.

“AND,” Bertie assured Andy, “as a thank you gift for letting me make this amazing woman my wamba, I will be bringing you one each of these animals for your growing collection. Why in due time, dear boy, you’ll have one of the finest and most complete collections anywhere!”

Andy was speechless for a moment, but when he recovered, he wasted no time adding that it wasn’t necessary to bring him anything—ever—for any reason.

“Nonsense!” Bertie replied, “you deserve far more than a few dead animals as a thank you gift, but . . . well, Harriet and I will certainly be adding more over the years as we travel around the animal kingdom, and it will please us greatly to share them with you. After all, you are Harriet's little Muffin.” (a pet name she called him when he was a boy).

As soon as they left I remarked, “Well, I guess now that Egbert Flitton III is becoming Uncle Bertie, your chances for ditching all your little moribund animal friends is about nil to nothing.”

“Ohhhhhh, you’re right about that,” he said, looking up at the huge moose head hanging above him. Alfred was still staring straight ahead—and probably would be for the unforeseeable future.

As I sat on the side of my bed recalling all this, it became clear why I had been dreaming of wildebeest.

Being so engrossed in these thoughts I hadn't noticed an envelope sitting on the little table next to my bed. But the moment my eyes caught sight of it, I quickly picked it up to examine it. It wasn't there when I went to bed the night before, so I figured Andy had slipped in and placed it there for me to discover when I woke up.


Bye for now,
Love,
Ellee